In this episode, we meet Flawless, a young woman grappling with the effects of an intense lack of safety in childhood.

Flawless outlines the events leading to her formal diagnoses and shares a few reflections on how she is affected by the guardedness of others, revealing some of challenges of maintaining identity integrity when we haven't had the upbringing to develop it fully.

The discussion also touches on some cultural influences around levels of emotional expression, drawing contrasts between various cultural backgrounds

Flawless also starts to introduce us to some of the events which impacted her childhood., and the episode ends with a brief description of the core criteria for Schizotypal Personality Disorder.

Diagnosed with recurring depression and BPD, she wonders if ADHD and autism might better explain her experiences.

Raised by a distant, sometimes violent father and an emotionally unstable mother, Simone was thrust into a caretaker role, trying to stabilise her mother's moods. She describes a family environment fraught with emotional dysregulation, a lack of boundaries, and a strong enmeshment, especially with her father's side.

This upbringing left her feeling overwhelmed by responsibility and struggling with personal boundaries and self-worth.

Loksat, diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder in his late teens, discusses his why he now thinks that he is more likely to fit the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, and what it was that held him back from expressing himself.

He describes his attraction to individuals who have borderline personality disorder (BPD) and how these interactions fulfil his drive for idealisation and withdrawal.

He dives into the patterns within his relationship with his BPD girlfriend, and his hopes that understanding and working on these compulations will bring them both some resolution of childhood wounds.

Loksat was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) at a young age but now, having started to reconnect with his feelings, believes he's more likely to be NPD.

He talks about his deliberate manipulations of his BPD girlfriend, what her intense reactions mean to him, and how he finds safety in her acting out.

As we dig down into the details of his life, we find powerful factors which have shaped his relationship behaviours, his understanding of the world, and his experience of love.

Although the conversation initially might seem like it endorses Loksat acting in destructive ways, it doesn't. Loksat has never known any other way of being, and, as the conversation continues, it starts to become clear that Loksat is aware that he is working through his childhood traumas by recreating them.

If we, the Cluster B's who behave in damaging ways within relationships, want to progress beyond those patterns, first we need to understand them. If we are in a relationship and on the receiving end of damaging behaviour, we need to understand it. Knowledge and insight will set us free.

In between putting together the free resources available on the website, Invis is also a moderator on a major support forum for people with narcissism - a forum which has over 50K members, many of whom have experience of Cluster B disorders/traits.

In her early years, Invis struggled to connect with others and frequently acted out. She received a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiance Disorder and Conduct Disorder. Her teenage and early adult years were turbulent, but then a collapse led to the determination to face herself and take charge of her direction.

In creating npd-recover.com, Invis drew on both her own personal insights as well as the perspectives she has developed through her important work on the forum.

Haifa touches on her upbringing and her struggles with her demanding mother. Cultural and economic factors are also at play, combining with her family's unaddressed historical trauma to create a painful inheritance.

Haifa talks about her relationships, particularly with partners who also have BPD, exploring the intense connection and validation they bring. Now, with a non-disordered partner, she embraces a newfound stability.

Haifa's story highlights her journey through therapy and self-awareness, paving the path from a tumultuous past to a more balanced present.

Lucy (NPD with ASPD traits) and Nota (BPD with traits of Vulnerable Narcissism) talk about their own experiences, and how it felt from the inside.

For more information about enmeshment and the dynamics of dependence and avoidance, these links might be useful:

https://www.emotionenhancement.com/single-post/enmeshment-trauma-and-how-it-impacts-your-relationships

https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/the-narcissists-mother

https://www.gottman.com/blog/are-you-losing-you-in-the-relationship-enmeshment-detachment-and-differentiation/

https://whatiscodependency.com/bpd-borderline-personality-disorder/

https://www.michaelsamsel.com/Content/Couples/fusion.html

https://www.counsellingservicemelbourne.com.au/personality-disorder-treatment/borderline-personality-disorder/

However, recently, something happened and everything unravelled. The darkness of the past has finally caught up with him.

Derek's thoughtfulness and expressive nature allows him to give some powerful insights into what lies inside his disorder.

Shame is such a deep, powerful emotion. It makes us hide parts of ourselves in order to fit in.

Some of the theories about the development of personality disorders are that the young child buries many parts of themselves which their caregivers cannot deal with. These parts become hidden from the child themselves as they develop.

It is said that our hidden parts drive us, and we are mostly unaware of this.

Some further reading about why people might have hidden parts of themselves:

Borderline Personality Disorder

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Avoidant Traits

With the support of a therapist, he was finally able to face his inner turmoil, and now speaks openly about his NPD in an effort to help others and to live with honesty and vulnerability.

Lisa has been brave enough to be open about recognising that she was a narcissist in college as she was studying counselling, which has allowed many of her clients to drop their barriers and be open with her.

She says that narcissistic and borderline issues are much more common than is commonly believed, and that we need to be more open and less ashamed of them.

Lisa also has written a book, available on Audible or Amazon, about understanding and dealing with narcissism and offers an online course for people with narcissism who wish to work towards healing.

You Might Be A Narcissist If...

https://healingyournarcissism.com

For anyone who can't afford the course, these are free resources which I personally found very helpful:

https://openlibrary.org/works/OL3954057W/Humanizing_the_narcissistic_style?edition=key%3A/books/OL2738573M

https://www.antrodichirone.com/index.php/en/2017/01/11/the-dance-between-two-personality-disorders-a-delicate-relationship-balance/

https://depthcounseling.org/blog/ngiam-narcissism-kohut

https://www.counsellingservicemelbourne.com.au

https://evolutioncounseling.com/masochism-explained/

https://evolutioncounseling.com/sadism-and-masochism-are-both-about-control/

https://www.emotionenhancement.com/single-post/enmeshment-trauma-and-how-it-impacts-your-relationships

https://www.mcleanhospital.org/npd-provider-guide

https://www.amandarobinspsychotherapy.com.au/articles/npd-recovery

https://www.relatenow.co.uk/content/mens-mother-complex-rape-heart

Her openness and non-judging attitude mean that she has been able to help every single person with narcissism who has come to her.

That's right – not only is it a possibly treatable condition, it is a very treatable condition, if you know what you are doing and your clients trust you.

Lisa has spent over 30 years as a therapist and has working with countless people with narcissistic or borderline issues, or with their loved ones. She has written a book for dealing with narcissism and has recently launched an online course for people to work on healing their own narcissism.

Book: You MIght Be A Narcissist If...

Website: healingyournarcissism.com

Grandiose narcissists and vulnerable narcissists are also a very common pairing. These relationships can be best viewed as occurring between someone with a dominant personality style and someone with a submissive personality style.

As someone diagnosed with both vulnerable narcissism and BPD, Nota chats to Mud, who was diagnosed with NPD and has the grandiose version, as they try to unravel some of the strands on this intriguing combination.

Some links to resources for further reading (a "dominant" personal style can also be seen as embodying a "sadistic" personal style, and a "submissive" personal style can also be seen as embodying a "masochistic" personal style: 

https://whatiscodependency.com/narcissists-are-codependents-too/

https://www.antrodichirone.com/index.php/en/2017/01/11/the-dance-between-two-personality-disorders-a-delicate-relationship-balance/

https://evolutioncounseling.com/sadism-and-masochism-are-both-about-control/

https://evolutioncounseling.com/understanding-the-masochistic-life-solution/

https://evolutioncounseling.com/sadism/

https://evolutioncounseling.com/sadists-need-their-victims-and-would-feel-like-nothing-without-them/

https://evolutioncounseling.com/abusers-need-help-too/

To anyone who’s listening who’d like to be on the pod but think the exposure is a bit too much/don’t like the sound of their own voice, please take this episode as indicative of formats Nota and myself are willing to embrace to help people get their stories out there, and a thanks to temporaryfeeling yet again for suggesting it.

The also discuss cultiural difference, and how the environment you live in can have a major impact on recovery. 

April's socials: 

https://www.instagram.com/npdapril 

u/aprilmelodyart

https://www.youtube.com/@npdapril 

Mold has travelled down a number of paths trying to find what works for them, and discovering more and more behind the locked doors of the mind.

(The audio quality on this episode leaves something to be desired, but that’s ok. We ain’t going for perfect at PD Raw productions, just good enough.)

Alright, so, maybe this episode ain’t so anonymous, cause we have both hosts Nota and Few and super special, not so secret guest Madame Milkshake aka Sarah swinging by for the first group pod to talk about the light, easy to tackle topic of motherhood. In particular, we discuss being a mother while also being disordered and struggling with one’s own inner environment. How does one deal with the painful disillusionments of one’s fantasies and expectations of having a baby and the postpartum depression that follows (in either partner)? What are some of the (self-serving) reasons why disordered people decide to have families in the first place? Where are you expected to accrue the skills for parenting if your own rearing was underwhelming/neglectful/traumatic? And how can you subtly sabotage your children by seeing them as extensions of yourself or being fearful and anxious of their abandonment, therefore acting unintentionally in ways that subvert their capacity to separate, individuate, and securely step into a more autonomous existence? Just in case it sounds a tad dour, we promise that we have some laughs too, like talking about the heartwarming capitalist tale of social media disconnecting and undermining families en masse; Cluster B protecting the V.I.Ps (i.e. you and your relationships) by telling you what to be watchful for from envious, resentful third parties; answering the age-old of question of whether children are like cats and respond to discipline via squirt bottle/water gun; and how to protect your partner from having mr/ms steal-your-partner (i.e. us borderlines) swooping in by not neglecting their emotional needs! 

Come on down as we discuss how to move beyond bringing along one’s own inner pain, toxicity, and simple ignorance into one’s relationship with their kids to trying to sort out our own shit to show up better for those who (should) matter most to us. 

Link to news article on male postpartum depression 

Come on down as we discuss how to move beyond bringing along one’s own inner pain, toxicity, and simple ignorance into one’s relationship with their kids to trying to sort out our own shit to show up better for those who (should) matter most to us. 

Link to news article on male postpartum depression 

This is, of course, not true. Some people are capable of great courage, and of facing hard truths in order to find answers.

Guest Ruthless talks about deception – including self-deception – personas, fleeting feelings of connection, and gives his practical way of finding a suitable therapist.

Mud and Nota are joined by Az to talk about how they experience their inner voice.

Find her at: 

https://www.youtube.com/@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE 

Step into the maze of Milkshake’s mind and the monsters that reside there as we get to know her a little bit better and ask the really meaningful questions, like:

• Who in life really does have the spiritual, empathetic chakras and halos?
• Why is repair so difficult in pairings of disordered people and how does an inability to repair or grieve leave one with armloads of glamorous Luis Vuton baggage for the next relationship?
• What kinds of tests will a disordered person subject you to before getting into a relationship, or just shits and giggles out of envy and resentment?
• Is it really always about mommy (and sometimes daddy) issues?

Come on down and have a taste of the toxic ‘fuck you’ soup (not made for kids) as we try to find a way to come closer to the other side of disorders; self-acceptance, understanding, and ability to connect. 

*Self-esteem trampolines and backup pedestals sold separately. 

**Podcast drinking game, spot all the places where the connection cut out and we had to restart our train of thought. 

While this personality trait is thought to lead to insight, empathy and the tendency to thing things through very deeply, could it also lead to some negative traits as well?

Nota is joined by Mud to talk through the connection between High Sensitivity and Vulnerable Narcissism.

The Highly Sensitive Person

Understanding the Highly Sensitive Person

Is The HSP Really a Narcissist?

NPD is well-known for causing pain. Nota talks to Mud, who has helped Nota understand a lot about the more difficult aspects of Narcissism.

Both Nota and Mud are fans of Psychodynamic Psychotherapy, and talk about their experiences with it.

Resources

And overview of the different types of Narcissistic Personality Disorder

How "difficult" children and adolescents change when placed in positive environments 

Thinking about how a child ends up turning into someone that hurts someone else

Bullying as a protective mechanism 

They discuss the importance of community and how it helps people with marginal identities, difficulties in personal relationships, and then some of the (parental) trauma involved in April's identities.

https://www.youtube.com/@npdapril

https://www.instagram.com/npdapril/

In this episode, Few and Joella begin a discussion of parenting involving disordered parents. What does a child wish for from a parent who identifies/is identifiable as such? How does a disordered person reconcile their own fears of vulnerability with a child who is nothing but vulnerability? In the next episode, Joella will bring us deeper into some of the issues that she has struggled with. 

She is the co-founder of the mental health initiative Sorry My Mental Illness Is Not Sexy Enough For You, appearing on the Lives Not Labels website. She is also a member of The Borderline Bunch, a podcast featuring people who have functionally recovered from BPD.

Katja gives us an overview of her projects, takes us through. the arduous process of receiving a diagnosis, and shares some of the tips she uses to manage her symptoms.

Sorry My Mental Illness In Not Sexy Enough For You 

The BPD Bunch 

Interview with Katja in The Guardian newspaper 

Nameless is a witty guy, and in one of our most humorous episodes, the pair have a laugh about the difficulties and awkward realities of being part of a disordered family.

Warning: self-harm

What happens when something overwhelms the defences?

Nota and Few talk about the withdrawal of a guest, and the difficulties faced by people with personality disorders in finding acceptance and ways to cope with their struggles.

Warning: this episode discusses child sexual abuse.