Tough Love For Men

How Men Lose Connection While Trying to Fix the Problem

Tue, 26 May 2026 06:53:21 GMT

In this episode, we explore one of the fastest ways a hard conversation with your partner can go sideways.

It often starts with a sentence that feels unfair. Something like, “You don’t listen,” or “You don’t care.” Your instinct might be to correct the record, explain what really happened, or defend your intentions.

But what if the moment is asking something different from you?

This conversation looks at what lives underneath those charged statements, why your nervous system may move into protection so quickly, and how one small shift in how you respond can change the entire direction of the conversation.

EPISODE TAKEAWAYS

• Why correcting the facts might be the move that keeps the fight going.

• The hidden emotional message underneath phrases like “You don’t listen” or “You don’t care.”

• The difference between protecting yourself and protecting the connection.

• How to validate your partner’s pain without agreeing with every detail.

QUESTION TO EXPLORE

When your partner says something that feels unfair or inaccurate, what happens inside you first: do you fight, fix, explain, shut down, or move toward connection?

Listen now to learn how to meet that moment with more trust, clarity, and connection.

Follow Tough Love for Men on Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/toughlove.formen/

Follow Luke Adler on Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/lukeadlerhealing/

Follow Ryan Ginn on Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/ryanginncouplescoach/

Take our Free Masterclass: https://toughlovecourses.podia.com/the-tough-love-masterclass

00:00:00 - Introduction to Emotional Experiences in Relationships

00:01:24 - Understanding Subjective Emotional Responses

00:04:04 - The Challenge of Arguing vs. Listening

00:05:28 - The Confusion of Emotional Language

00:07:35 - Identifying True Feelings Behind Statements

00:09:00 - Protection vs. Connection in Relationships

00:10:50 - Navigating Emotional Reactions

00:12:28 - The Importance of Pausing and Calming

00:14:10 - Reframing Conversations for Connection

00:20:03 - Naming Parts of Ourselves in Conflict

00:22:23 - The Path of Healing and Growth in Marriage

00:24:30 - Conclusion and Invitation for Growth

50 Episodes and A Journey of Loving Better in Relationships

Wed, 13 May 2026 19:52:21 GMT

We’re so excited to bring you our 50th Podcast! In this episode, we dive deep into the complexities of relationships and how they serve as a powerful avenue for spiritual growth and personal evolution.

Episode Takeaways:

Relationships are not just about comfort and pleasure; they are a profound spiritual practice that challenges us to grow and love better.
Embracing the pain and discomfort in relationships can lead to deeper connection and understanding.
The importance of being present for your partner during their moments of pain and how that can transform the relationship.
The need for a supportive community or container to navigate the challenges of relationships effectively.
Acknowledging the natural drive for comfort and pleasure, and how it can hinder our growth in love.

A Question to Explore:

What am I in service to in this moment—my comfort or the growth of love in my relationships?

Listen Now!

Follow Tough Love for Men on Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/toughlove.formen/

Follow Luke Adler on Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/lukeadlerhealing/

Follow Ryan Ginn on Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/ryanginncouplescoach/

Take our Free Masterclass: https://toughlovecourses.podia.com/the-tough-love-masterclass

Thank you for joining us on this journey of loving better in relationships!

00:00:05 - 00:01:11: The challenge of relationships and the need for growth.
00:01:12 - 00:02:06: Embracing the pain and discovering the beauty in our partners.
00:02:07 - 00:03:03: The cultural narratives around relationships and the lack of models for spiritual growth.
00:03:04 - 00:04:27: Shifting mindset from endurance to growth in relationships.
00:04:28 - 00:05:57: Defining spiritual growth as the practice of love.
00:05:58 - 00:07:50: The conflict between personal comfort and the drive to love better.
00:07:51 - 00:09:10: The physiological responses to pain and pleasure in relationships.
00:09:11 - 00:12:06: Real-life examples of navigating partner pain and the choice to engage.
00:12:07 - 00:14:04: The importance of presence and connection in relationships.
00:14:05 - 00:15:56: The metaphor of intimacy and the surrendering of individual consciousness.
00:15:57 - 00:18:10: The challenges of midlife relationships and the need for tools to navigate pain.
00:18:11 - 00:20:38: The burnout point in relationships and the lack of spiritual definition.
00:20:39 - 00:22:16: The importance of a supportive community in navigating relationship challenges.
00:22:17 - 00:24:07: Personal testimonies of growth through pain and supp
ort.
00:24:08 - 00:26:01: The limitations of individual counseling and the need for a spiritual framework.
00:26:02 - 00:28:18: The transformative power of facing pain and redefining oneself.
00:28:19 - 00:30:02: The importance of spiritual vitality in midlife relationships.
00:30:03 - 00:34:16: The ongoing question of what we are in service to in our relationships.

00:34:17 - 00:35:27: Closing thoughts on self-love and the strength of tough love.

The Shift That Changes Everything in Your Relationship

Wed, 29 Apr 2026 04:55:28 GMT

What would make the biggest difference in the quality of your life right now? Discover how asking the right questions can transform your relationship dynamics. In this episode, we break down a few things you can do today to reconnect with your partner. No therapy required, just practical steps that work in real life.

We cover:

• Why problem-solving can push your partner further away

• The one question that opens a real conversation

• How sharing your own emotions builds trust

• Why connection comes before intimacy

If things feel tense at home, start here.

Listen to the episode and try one of these practices tonight.

00:01:11 - Understanding Relational Dynamics

00:03:10 - Proactive Connection

00:07:23 - Setting the Stage for Connection

00:09:45 - Deepening Empathy and Understanding

00:10:41 - Asking Meaningful Questions

00:12:18 - Expressing What Feels Good

00:17:27 - Moving from Intellect to Empathy

00:20:45 - Sharing Your Emotional Experience

00:23:40 - The Role of Sex in Connection

00:26:29 - Final Thoughts on Proactive Leadership

From Survival Mode to Love Mode

Thu, 16 Apr 2026 01:00:46 GMT

Luke's back this week and we’re diving deep into the actions that truly make a difference in relationships.

We explore the common strategies that many of us unconsciously employ when faced with relationship challenges. We break down the ineffective tactics that often lead to disconnection and frustration, and we highlight the top three strategies that can foster greater connection, peace, and satisfaction in your relationships.

Here’s a sneak peek:

Understanding the Mechanisms: We discuss how our primal instincts can lead us into survival mode, causing us to react defensively rather than connect lovingly with our partners.
Identifying Ineffective Strategies: We name and analyze common strategies that don’t work, such as the need to be right, over-pleasing, and internal complaints. These behaviors often stem from a place of insecurity and can spiral into deeper issues.
The Power of Self-Empathy: We emphasize the importance of self-empathy and how treating ourselves with kindness can transform our interactions with others. This internal shift is crucial for authentic connection.
A New Perspective on Power: We challenge the traditional notions of dominance and submission in relationships, advocating for a shared power dynamic that fosters collaboration and joy.

This episode is packed with valuable insights and practical advice that can help you navigate the complexities of relationships with greater ease and understanding.

00:00:00 - Introduction to Relationship Strategies

00:01:48 - The Sacred Nature of Relationships

00:03:47 - Survival State and Its Impact on Relationships

00:04:44 - Common Ineffective Strategies in Relationships

00:06:39 - The Mechanistic Loop of Hurt and Response

00:08:15 - The Need to Be Right

00:10:14 - The Overworking and Over-pleasing Strategy

00:12:42 - Control Dynamics in Relationships

00:17:07 - The Importance of Recognizing Dysregulation

00:19:48 - The Meta Strategy: Moving from Threat to Care

00:20:30 - The Third Choice in Relationships: Shared Power

00:24:42 - The Work of Maturing in Relationships

00:25:04 - Self-Empathy as a Key Strategy

00:29:08 - Integrating Inner Critic and Wounded Child

00:33:29 - Conclusion and Next Steps

The Power of We in Relationships with Mike Elliot

Tue, 31 Mar 2026 14:17:00 GMT

On this episode of Tough Love for Men, we sat down with Mike Elliott, a relationship transformation expert and men’s work mentor who helps leaders build stronger partnerships and thrive in connection rather than isolation.

About Our Guest

Mike Elliott specializes in relational growth and leadership, guiding men to break unhealthy patterns, heal past wounds, and become more present partners, fathers, and leaders. His work focuses on helping men move from external success to deeper peace, purpose, and fulfillment in their relationships and daily lives.

He is known for empowering men to step out of hyper-individualism and into meaningful connection, creating lasting transformation in both personal and professional life.

In this episode, we discuss:

Why relationship struggles are often a signal of disconnection, not failure
How vulnerability becomes the catalyst for real personal growth
The role of community and guidance in healing core wounds
Why strong relationships create ripple effects in every area of life

If you’re a man who wants deeper connection, stronger leadership at home and work, and more clarity about who you’re becoming—this conversation is for you.

Learn more about Mike Elliot at https://www.itsmikeelliott.com/ and follow him on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/mikeelliott.relating/

The Hidden Forces of Disconnection: Understanding Cultural Pressures on Men

Tue, 17 Mar 2026 17:17:06 GMT

In this episode, we explore the challenges modern culture creates for connection in relationships. I’m joined by my friend Ryan Ginn to discuss how individualism, achievement, and societal pressure can lead to burnout, loneliness, and disconnection—especially for men navigating shame, ambition, and identity.

Together, we unpack how these cultural forces shape our relationships and share practical ways to recognize patterns of disconnection and begin prioritizing genuine connection again. We also talk about the power of vulnerability, community, and self-awareness in building deeper, more meaningful relationships.

We close by inviting listeners to join our upcoming men’s group, where we’ll focus on becoming warriors of connection and intimacy.

00:00:00 - Introduction to Connection and Disconnection

00:01:22 - Cultural Forces and Individualism

00:02:50 - The Struggle for Connection in Modern Life

00:05:07 - The Pain of Transitioning to Independence

00:07:40 - The Impact of Fear and Anxiety on Health

00:09:15 - The Dangers of Disconnection

00:10:13 - The Duality of Shame and Grandiosity

00:12:29 - The Importance of Connection Over Winning

00:13:03 - The Trap of Shame and Grandiosity

00:15:08 - Awareness as the First Step

00:17:33 - The Health Benefits of Connection

00:19:00 - Understanding the Inner Critic

00:20:57 - The Exhaustion of Masculine Expectations

00:22:43 - The Role of Community in Connection

00:25:09 - Prioritizing Connection for Wellbeing

00:27:19 - The Challenge of Modern Optimization

00:29:31 - Renegotiating Relationships

00:30:37 - The Power of Vulnerability in Community

00:32:59 - Leading with Connection and Love

00:34:01 - The Importance of Listening to Our Bodies

00:35:16 - Invitation to Join the Community

Want More from Tough Love for Men? Visit our website at www.beingmen.net

Tech vs. Togetherness: Strategies for Building Stronger Relationships in the Digital Age

Tue, 03 Mar 2026 17:17:00 GMT

In this episode, we explore how smartphones and social media are quietly eroding presence, intimacy, and connection in modern relationships. While technology offers convenience and entertainment, excessive use often leaves us emotionally disconnected and less available to the people who matter most.

Through personal stories and real-life examples, we unpack how screens can replace meaningful interaction—at home, in conflict, and even in simple everyday moments. We also examine the neuroscience behind tech addiction, including how dopamine-driven habits keep us reaching for our phones at the expense of deeper connection.

This conversation challenges listeners to become more conscious of their tech use, reflect on the emotional needs driving it, and take responsibility for their attention. We emphasize the importance of accountability, supportive community—especially for men—and intentional presence in marriage and family life.

In this episode:

00:00:00 - Introduction to Technology's Impact on Relationships

00:02:40 - The Reality of Technology's Disconnection

00:05:10 - Personal Anecdotes: The Effects of Phones on Family Time

00:08:00 - The Challenge of Being Present

00:10:45 - The Profit Motive Behind Technology

00:12:20 - Motivation for Connection Over Distraction

00:14:30 - The Cost of Loneliness

00:16:00 - Taking Responsibility for Our Attention

00:18:10 - Shifting Habits: From Phones to Presence

00:20:30 - The Call to Action: Engage with Family

00:22:00 - The Distancing Nature of Technology

00:24:00 - Introducing the Men's Group for Accountability

00:26:30 - The Importance of Community in Breaking Habits

00:28:00 - Conclusion and Invitation to Connect

If you're ready to break free from digital distraction and build stronger, more connected relationships, this episode is for you.

Want More from Tough Love for Men? Visit our website at www.beingmen.net

Rewiring Relationships: Overcoming Stoicism for Deeper Connection

Tue, 17 Feb 2026 15:00:00 GMT

In this episode of the Tough Love Podcast, we break down the three most common behaviors men bring into relationships that can quietly undermine—and eventually destroy—connection in marriage. While we’ve touched on these patterns before, this conversation goes straight to the heart of what’s actually happening and how to change it.

Throughout the episode, we challenge traditional ideas of stoicism, naming how emotional unavailability often disguises itself as strength. True strength, we argue, lies in emotional presence and vulnerability.

This episode offers practical insight into recognizing these behaviors, naming emotions, and building healthier relational habits. These patterns are trainable—and change is possible.

To go deeper, we invite listeners to explore our programs at BeingMen.net, including our Tough Love course, designed to support men in creating more connected, resilient relationships.

From Viciousness to Compassion: Navigating the Inner Critic

Tue, 03 Feb 2026 15:41:43 GMT

In this episode of the Tough Love podcast, we explore the inner critic and its powerful influence on our relationships and sense of self. We discuss how this critical voice is shaped by early experiences with caregivers and rooted in a primal need for safety and belonging. When left unchecked, the inner critic can become harsh and shaming, fueling self-doubt, chronic inadequacy, and even depression.

Ryan and Luke emphasize that overcoming the inner critic doesn’t mean silencing it, but meeting it with self-compassion and understanding. We explore how supportive relationships—especially men’s groups—can create the safety needed to soften shame and transform the inner critic into a more encouraging, grounded inner voice. This episode invites listeners into deeper self-awareness, connection, and the work of cultivating a more compassionate relationship with themselves.

From Tantrums to Connection: Transforming Reactivity in Relationships

Tue, 20 Jan 2026 17:31:51 GMT

In this episode of the Tough Love podcast, we explore reactivity in relationships—why it’s a natural part of being human and how it can impact connection if left unexamined. We discuss how our primitive brain and conditioning shape instinctual responses like fighting, shutting down, or withdrawing, and why normalizing reactivity is an important first step.

Through personal stories—including a humorous moment with my eight-year-old daughter and a revealing dream of my own—we highlight the importance of consciously feeling and processing reactive emotions rather than acting them out in our relationships. Reactivity itself isn’t the problem; bringing it unprocessed into partnership is.

We emphasize relational maturity: tending to our own inner child while staying inclusive of our partner’s experience. This can mean finding healthy outlets for big emotions, validating our inner world, and seeking support when needed.

Ultimately, reactivity is a vital life force that, when worked with consciously, can deepen intimacy rather than erode it. We invite listeners—especially men—to engage this work with curiosity, courage, and community as part of the ongoing journey of love and connection.

00:00:00 - Understanding Reactivity in Relationships

00:02:00 - Normalizing Our Reactive Nature

00:04:30 - Childhood Examples of Reactivity

00:06:00 - The Importance of Acknowledging Reactivity

00:08:30 - Conscious Tantrums and Emotional Expression

00:10:00 - Navigating Inner Child Anger

00:12:00 - The Challenge of Feeling in a Body

00:14:30 - The Connection Between Reactivity and Shame

00:17:00 - The Role of Relationships in Processing Emotions

00:19:30 - Bringing Reactivity to the Surface

00:21:00 - The Importance of Articulating Feelings

00:23:00 - The Oil Spill Metaphor for Hidden Emotions

00:25:00 - Creating Intimacy Through Vulnerability

00:27:00 - The Sequence of Healing and Sharing

00:29:00 - Tough Love: Courage in Relationships

00:30:30 - The Need for Support in Emotional Work

00:31:30 - Invitation to Join the Community

The Urge to Exit: Understanding Emotional Responses in Marriage

Tue, 06 Jan 2026 06:38:59 GMT

In this episode of the Tough Love for Men podcast, we explore a common yet often unspoken reflex in relationships: the urge to leave when faced with intense emotional situations.

We talk about the challenges of navigating a partner's emotional storm.

Luke shares a story about an Airbnb situation gone wrong, and we discuss some of the keys to staying present when the urge to exit shows up.

In This Episode:

00:00:00 - Introduction to Tough Love Podcast

00:00:14 - The Reflex to Leave in Relationships

00:00:58 - Normalizing the Experience of Wanting to Leave

00:02:10 - Real-Life Example: Vacation Challenges

00:04:24 - Accepting Your Partner's Emotional State

00:07:34 - Radical Acceptance and Love

00:08:42 - The Importance of Presence in Relationships

00:10:02 - Understanding Emotional Storms

00:12:13 - Navigating Emotional Experiences

00:15:25 - The Fallacy of Vacation Expectations

00:18:06 - The Challenge of Emotional Labor

00:19:10 - Recognizing Core Adaptations

00:21:25 - The Energy Preservation Instinct

00:23:17 - The Shared Human Experience

00:25:35 - Saint Mode vs. Suffer Mode

00:27:46 - Allowing Emotional Flow in Relationships

00:29:15 - The Journey of Learning and Growth

00:31:01 - Embracing Imperfection in Relationships

00:35:05 - Conclusion and Invitation to Join the Journey

Want More from Tough Love for Men? Visit our website at www.beingmen.net

Tough Love: How to Stop Playing Defense and Lead with Heart

Tue, 16 Dec 2025 00:41:05 GMT

In this episode, we explore what it really means to “toughen up your love.” It’s not about being harsh—it’s about leading with courage, maturity, and heart.

We unpack the defensive habits men often fall into—the pleaser, the fixer, and the avoider—and how these patterns keep relationships stuck. Then, we explore what it looks like to play offense in love: showing up with emotional confidence, taking leadership in connection, and creating a relationship built on trust and co-leadership.

This is the foundation of Tough Love: learning to lead with strength and vulnerability—without losing yourself in the process.

The Ultimate Hack to Save Your Relationship!

Fri, 31 Oct 2025 16:52:28 GMT

In this episode, we explore what truly makes a relationship work—not quick fixes, but consistent practices that build real connection.

Ryan and Luke share seven core habits every couple can cultivate, from sharing new experiences and maintaining meaningful eye contact to mastering repair after conflict and keeping playfulness alive. They also discuss how structured planning and intentional communication reduce stress and strengthen partnership.

These simple but powerful practices help couples stay grounded, curious, and connected—no matter how long they’ve been together.

Link to Podcast on Repair

00:00:00 - Introduction: No Actual Hack, Just Real Talk

00:01:22 - Fundamental Relationship Practices

00:02:05 - Sharing Novel Experiences

00:02:38 - Quality Eye Contact

00:04:26 - Assessing Relationship Health

00:05:30 - The Importance of Repair

00:09:13 - Vulnerability in Connection

00:11:03 - Understanding Connection Beyond Positivity

00:12:48 - Navigating Resentment and Trust

00:16:09 - The Role of Play in Relationships

00:19:02 - The Power of Laughter and Lightheartedness

00:25:14 - Weekly Planning Meetings: A Structured Approach

00:28:22 - Recap of Key Fundamentals

00:29:06 - Closing Thoughts and Call to Action

The Inevitability of Disappointment in Relationships

Sat, 11 Oct 2025 22:26:13 GMT

In this episode, we explore one of the most challenging truths about love: at some point, you will be disappointed in your partner — and they will be disappointed in you.

Drawing from personal experience and real-life examples, we unpack why disappointment is inevitable in long-term relationships and how societal pressure to maintain perfection only deepens the disconnect. We share how marriage, parenthood, and life’s demands reveal our deeper survival patterns — and how embracing these moments can lead to growth and deeper connection.

We offer practical tools for navigating these seasons with resilience and tenderness, reminding us that love isn’t about avoiding hardship — it’s about learning to stay open through it.

We also announce our upcoming course, Tough Love for Men, a deeper dive into building strength, empathy, and emotional awareness in relationships.

00:00:00 - Introduction to Relationship Disappointment

00:01:00 - Understanding Human Limitations

00:02:00 - The Reality of Disappointment in Relationships

00:03:30 - The Facade of Perfection

00:05:00 - The Impact of Parenthood on Relationships

00:06:30 - Facing Personal Disappointments

00:08:00 - Navigating Difficult Moments Together

00:10:00 - The Importance of Connection

00:12:00 - Choosing to Be Present

00:14:00 - The Lone Wolf Mentality

00:16:00 - Reframing Tough Love

00:18:00 - The Role of Vulnerability in Relationships

00:20:00 - Breaking Patterns of Isolation

00:22:00 - The Dance of Connection and Disconnection

00:24:00 - The Challenge of Codependence

00:26:00 - Creating a Supportive Environment

00:28:00 - Tough Love vs. Heartless Love

00:30:00 - The Guardianship of Each Other's Hearts

00:32:00 - Upcoming Course Announcement

00:34:00 - Conclusion and Call to Action

White Knuckle Marriage: When Endurance Replaces Connection

Mon, 22 Sep 2025 19:42:31 GMT

In this episode, we explore the idea of a “white knuckle marriage” — relationships held together by tension and control rather than true connection. Much like gripping a steering wheel too tightly, this state reflects couples enduring without emotional safety or intimacy.

We discuss how traditional masculine values, like “happy wife, happy life,” often push men into silence and resignation, fueling resentment and disconnection. Without cultural guidance on empathy, boundaries, or partnership, many men end up white-knuckling through marriage.

We also examine the costs — from loneliness to physical stress — and the patterns of conflict that keep couples stuck. Transformation, we argue, requires vulnerability, self-awareness, and often professional support.

Drawing parallels to horse whispering, we highlight how attunement and nonverbal connection can restore intimacy. The journey isn’t easy, but with courage and guidance, couples can move from endurance to growth.

Listen in as we unpack this metaphor and share resources at beingmen.net to support healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

00:00:00 - Introduction to White Knuckle Marriage

00:01:00 - The Pain of Enduring in Relationships

00:02:30 - Cultural Expectations of Masculinity

00:04:00 - Lack of Training for Men in Relationships

00:06:00 - Physiological Impacts of Tension in Relationships

00:07:30 - The Pandemic of Loneliness

00:09:00 - Creating a Life of Connection

00:10:30 - The Complexity of Intimacy

00:12:00 - The Need for Support and Education

00:13:00 - Stages of Conflict in Marriage

00:15:00 - Understanding Core Wounds in Relationships

00:16:30 - Navigating Sensitivity and Vulnerability

00:18:00 - The Importance of Transformation

00:19:30 - Personal Reflection on Marriage Challenges

00:21:00 - The Role of Nervous Systems in Relationships

00:23:00 - The Process of Compassionate Connection

00:25:00 - The Challenge of Emotional Growth

00:27:00 - The Role of Guided Support in Transformation

00:29:00 - Equine Therapy as a Metaphor for Connection

00:32:00 - Conclusion and Upcoming Events

Is It Me or Her? Understanding Relationship Dynamics

Wed, 20 Aug 2025 03:07:20 GMT

In this episode of The Crux, we tackle the question many couples face: “Is it me or her?” Often asked after years of conflict and disconnection, this question points to deeper relational patterns like the avoider–chaser dynamic.

We explore a three-step process for resetting relationships:

Reset Yourself — Prioritize self-care, sleep, nutrition, and emotional well-being.
Support Your Partner — Once grounded, help create a shared environment of healing.
Seek Quality Therapy — Invest in structured couples work, ideally with approaches like PACT, to repair and rebuild connection.

Along the way, we discuss how past trauma, unresolved hurts, and cultural conditioning affect intimacy—and how love can be reignited with commitment and care.

If you’ve wondered whether your relationship can recover, this episode offers both guidance and hope.

00:00:00 - Introduction to Relationship Questions

Exploring the common question: "Is it me or her?" and the context of relationship struggles.

00:01:44 - Understanding Well-Being Issues

Discussing the importance of individual well-being in relationships and the impact of physical health on emotional connection.

00:03:36 - Resetting Your Own Physiology

The necessity of personal responsibility and self-care as a foundation for relationship improvement.

00:08:38 - Assessing Your Partner's Well-Being

The importance of ensuring both partners are resourced and healthy before diving into relationship work.

00:09:12 - Engaging in Couples Therapy

Recommendations for finding effective couples therapy and the value of investing in quality support.

00:10:34 - The Cost of Therapy vs. Divorce

Highlighting the financial implications of therapy compared to the costs associated with divorce.

00:12:34 - Reigniting the Relationship Fire

Discussing the need to rekindle the emotional connection that initially brought partners together.

00:15:10 - Addressing Resentment and Hurt

Understanding how past wounds affect current relationship dynamics and the importance of healing.

00:18:04 - The Process of Repair

Outlining the steps necessary for repairing a relationship and the importance of expert guidance.

00:24:22 - Recap of the Three-Step Process

Summarizing the steps for resetting a relationship: individual reset, partner support, and couples work.

00:26:09 - Conclusion and Encouragement

Encouraging listeners to embrace the challenging yet rewarding journey of relationship improvement.

Navigating Masculine and Feminine Nervous Systems & Emotional Dynamics in Relationships

Tue, 08 Jul 2025 21:11:39 GMT

In this episode of The Crux, Luke and I dive into the real reasons why intimacy breaks down in long-term relationships — and what it takes to rebuild it.

We explore how boys are conditioned from an early age to suppress emotion, and how this wiring leads many men to disconnect from their feelings in adulthood. The result? A painful dynamic where partners are asking for connection, and men don’t know how to give it — or worse, feel shame for even wanting to try.

We talk through:

How masculine and feminine nervous systems process emotion differently
The quiet damage caused by emotional avoidance
Why many men equate vulnerability with weakness
What happens when men finally feel safe enough to open up — especially in the company of other men

You’ll also hear personal stories from our work, insights from group coaching, and practical takeaways for creating deeper connection — not just with your partner, but with yourself.

00:00:00 - Introduction to Relationship Dynamics

00:05:30 - Masculine vs. Feminine Nervous Systems

00:10:00 - Cultural Conditioning and Emotional Expression

00:15:00 - The Impact of Emotional Closure

00:20:00 - The Role of Vulnerability in Relationships

00:25:00 - Personal Stories and Social Wounds

00:30:00 - Finding Solutions and Embracing Vulnerability

00:35:00 - Conclusion and Call to Action

The Art of Vulnerability: How to Open Up Without Threatening Your Partner

Sun, 15 Jun 2025 20:08:24 GMT

In this episode of The Crux, Ryan Ginn and Dr. Luke Adler explore how men can share vulnerability in relationships without triggering shame or defensiveness. Prompted by a recent course participant’s experience of feeling shamed after opening up, they discuss the importance of emotional responsibility, maintaining agency when sharing feelings, and avoiding emotional fusion.

Ryan shares a personal story of jealousy as his wife prepares for a retreat, modeling how to express vulnerability without projecting it. The conversation highlights how shaming responses can damage connection and stresses the need for mutual agreements that create emotional safety.

Drawing on insights from Stan Tatkin, they explore the link between safety, attraction, and compatibility, concluding that one partner’s conscious leadership can shift relationship dynamics. For more, visit beingmen.net.

00:00:00 - Introduction to Vulnerability in Relationships

00:00:22 - The Challenge of Sharing Vulnerability

00:01:17 - Understanding Threat Responses

00:02:44 - Fusing with Vulnerable Parts

00:04:18 - Personal Example: Jealousy and Vulnerability

00:08:28 - Finding the Middle Way

00:10:30 - The Importance of Emotional Expression

00:12:08 - Navigating Shaming Responses

00:14:12 - Establishing Non-Negotiables in Communication

00:16:05 - The Role of Safety in Relationships

00:17:23 - Confronting Unhealthy Dynamics

00:19:49 - The Power of One Partner's Awareness

00:22:12 - Leading with Consciousness

00:24:09 - Conclusion and Upcoming Programs

The Intimacy Blueprint Preview: Module 4, The Power of Repair in Relationships

Mon, 31 Mar 2025 15:57:28 GMT

In this episode, Luke Adler and I explore the crucial skill of repair in relationships—one that can make or break long-term connection. Drawing from my experience with hundreds of couples, I break down how navigating conflict with vulnerability and empathy strengthens intimacy.

We discuss how to acknowledge your partner’s feelings without defensiveness, why conflict reveals deeper relationship needs, and how shifting from self-protection to attunement can transform moments of tension. I also share a personal story of struggling with defensiveness in my own marriage and what ultimately led to meaningful repair.

Effective repair is a learnable skill—and one we dive deep into in The Intimacy Blueprint. Tune in and start building a stronger, more connected partnership.

How Men Can Initiate Repair to Build the Relationship they Want

Sat, 22 Mar 2025 18:15:30 GMT

In this episode, we explore how men can effectively facilitate repair in their relationships, especially when they need it most. Luke Adler joins me to discuss how cultural conditioning discourages men from recognizing and expressing their needs—often leading to disconnection, resentment, or emotional outbursts.

Through personal stories, we highlight the importance of mutual accountability, the pitfalls of passive aggression, and the power of vulnerability in creating a culture of repair. We also discuss how men can navigate resistance when expressing their needs and build the relational skills necessary for deeper intimacy.

Join us as we challenge traditional masculinity and encourage men to embrace their emotions for stronger, healthier relationships. And if you want to dive deeper, The Intimacy Blueprint starts April 15th—learn more at beingmen.net!

00:00:00 - Introduction to Men's Needs in Relationships

00:01:22 - Cultural Conditioning and Vulnerability

00:02:50 - Personal Example: The Salt Shaker Incident

00:05:08 - The Importance of Mutual Accountability

00:05:49 - Passive Aggression and Unmet Needs

00:07:40 - Another Personal Example: The Potluck Experience

00:10:39 - Navigating Anger and Vulnerability

00:11:46 - Challenges in Vulnerability and Repair

00:12:55 - The Role of Trauma in Relationship Dynamics

00:15:27 - Creating a Culture of Repair

00:16:31 - Taking Turns in Repair Conversations

00:19:06 - The Importance of Time in Conflict Resolution

00:21:19 - Conclusion and Course Announcement

Navigating Political Discussions in Relationships: Ground Rules for Couples

Sat, 22 Feb 2025 19:44:31 GMT

In this episode, Luke and I explore how political differences can create tension in romantic relationships—and how to navigate them with empathy. We discuss the challenges of fixed perspectives, power dynamics, and emotional reactions, sharing practical strategies for fostering understanding instead of conflict.

From setting ground rules to practicing "political empathy," we break down how to engage in tough conversations without sacrificing connection. Whether in your relationship, friendships, or family, these insights can help you build stronger, more respectful dialogues.

For more tools on deepening communication, check out our upcoming 6-week online course, The Intimacy Blueprint.

00:00:00 - Navigating Political Discussions in Relationships

00:02:00 - The Volatility of Political Conversations

00:05:20 - Power Dynamics in Relationships

00:07:10 - The Importance of Connection and Collaboration

00:09:00 - Real-Life Example: A Morning Conversation

00:12:00 - Establishing Intent in Discussions

00:13:30 - Suspending Beliefs for Understanding

00:14:15 - The Super Skill of Communication

00:18:00 - Choosing Connection Over Self-Righteousness

00:20:00 - The Challenge of Meeting Distress

00:22:00 - The Intimacy Blueprint: A Path to Relational Growth

00:25:00 - Moving Beyond Survival Reflexes

00:28:00 - The Effort of Empathy in Relationships

00:30:00 - Encouragement for Practicing New Skills

00:31:00 - Closing Remarks and Resources

Preparing for Couples Therapy: A Guide for Men

Sat, 25 Jan 2025 21:38:46 GMT

In this episode, we delve into the often daunting world of couples therapy, particularly from the perspective of men who may feel apprehensive. We focus on how men can prepare for and benefit from the process and emphasize that effective therapy goes beyond communication; it requires thinking deeper about relationship dynamics and emotional safety. If you're new to understanding our perspective on long-term, committed relationships, we recommend reading "Wired for Love" or "In Each Other's Care" to build foundational knowledge.

We discuss the misconception that therapy is about identifying one partner as "the problem." Instead, we encourage viewing therapy as a chance to understand each other better, recognizing that both partners contribute to the relationship's challenges.

We also address the societal pressures that may make men hesitant to seek help, stressing the importance of finding a skilled therapist who fosters balanced dialogue. Men need to identify and express their personal needs in therapy, moving beyond surface complaints to deeper emotional requirements.

We highlight the importance of effective repair after conflicts, noting that men often struggle with over-explaining rather than simply acknowledging their partner's hurt. Emotional presence and empathy are crucial for building intimacy.

Educating yourself, approaching couple's therapy as a learning opportunity, and engaging in the emotional work necessary for healing are the key steps for getting the most from your couple's therapy work and building more intimacy in your partnership.

Thank you for listening, and please share this episode with anyone who might benefit! Good luck out there!

00:00:00 - Introduction to Couples Therapy Preparation

00:01:00 - Understanding the Need for Communication

00:02:00 - Reading Recommendations for Better Understanding

00:03:00 - Reframing Couples Therapy as a Learning Opportunity

00:04:00 - The Role of the Therapist: Not a Judge

00:05:00 - Men's Resistance to Therapy and Power Dynamics

00:06:00 - The Importance of Shared Responsibility in Relationships

00:07:00 - Expectations from Couples Therapy

00:08:00 - Identifying Personal Needs in the Relationship

00:09:00 - The Dangers of Not Expressing Needs

00:10:00 - The Importance of Effective Repair in Relationships

00:11:00 - Understanding Emotional Dynamics in Repair

00:12:00 - The Anatomy of Hurt and Its Impact

00:13:00 - The Process of Healing and Trust Restoration

00:14:00 - The Role of Empathy in Repairing Relationships

00:15:00 - Recap of Key Points for Couples Therapy Preparation

00:16:00 - Upcoming Programs and Resources for Men

00:17:00 - Conclusion and Call to Action

Beyond Survival: Cultivating Nourishment for Presence & Connection in Relationships

Fri, 10 Jan 2025 19:59:59 GMT

In this episode, I sit down with my co-host Luke to delve into a crucial topic that affects many men today: the struggle to feel competent and fulfilled in their primary relationships. We explore the foundational issues that often hinder men from engaging fully in their relationships, particularly the balance between work, self-care, and emotional presence.

We begin by discussing the common dynamic we observe—well-meaning men who work tirelessly to provide for their families, often at the expense of their own emotional and physical well-being. Luke articulates the internal conflict many men face: the fear that prioritizing their well-being will lead to a decrease in their ability to provide financially. This fear is deeply rooted in societal programming that equates a man's worth with his ability to provide.

As we navigate this conversation, we highlight the importance of shifting from a fight-or-flight response to a more relaxed, connected state. Luke shares his personal journey of confronting the fear that had gripped him for years, likening it to a frozen state that numbed his ability to feel exhaustion and ultimately led to burnout. He recounts how, through consistent work with other men and a supportive community, he began to thaw out emotionally, allowing him to reconnect with his true self and experience joy in a more embodied way.

We emphasize that many men may not even realize they are operating in a state of numbness, as it has become a normalized part of their identity. The conversation touches on the necessity of external support and brotherhood in helping men recognize and confront these layers of numbness and exhaustion.

Towards the end of the episode, we discuss practical steps men can take to improve their relationships, starting with self-care. Luke suggests simple yet effective actions, such as booking regular massages or seeking other forms of bodywork, to help men reconnect with their bodies and emotions. We stress that investing in self-care is not just a luxury but a necessity for fostering healthier relationships with partners and children.

Ultimately, this episode serves as an invitation for men to reflect on their own experiences and consider how they can begin to prioritize their well-being. By doing so, they can cultivate a deeper emotional presence that enriches their relationships and allows them to show up as more engaged partners and fathers. Join us as we unpack these vital themes and encourage a shift towards a more nourished and fulfilled life.

00:00:00 - Introduction to Men's Well-Being

00:01:30 - The Conflict Between Well-Being and Providing

00:03:30 - The Nervous System Dynamics

00:05:00 - Personal Journey of Awakening

00:06:30 - Fear as a Driving Force

00:08:00 - The Impact of Numbness on Life

00:10:00 - The Importance of Brotherhood and Support

00:12:00 - Emotional Availability in Relationships

00:14:00 - The Foundation of Relational Competence

00:16:00 - Resourcing Yourself for Connection

00:18:00 - The Male Nourishment Crisis

00:20:00 - Practical Steps for Self-Care

00:24:00 - Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Navigating the Shadow of Competence in Relationships

Mon, 16 Dec 2024 18:53:28 GMT

In this episode, my guest, Luke Adler, and I, Ryan Ginn, challenge you to reflect on how the shadow of competence affects your relationships, especially as a man. We share personal stories—like a vulnerable moment I experienced with my partner, Eden, over household chores—and explore how fears of inadequacy can trigger defensiveness and hurt communication. Luke adds humor and insight with his own experiences navigating his wife Emily’s high standards for home management. Together, we unpack the cultural pressures of masculinity that fuel these fears and push you to consider how they might show up in your own life. We offer practical strategies for improving communication, recognizing emotional triggers, and embracing vulnerability as a way to foster deeper connections. We also highlight the power of men’s groups as supportive spaces where you can let go of societal expectations and grow in self-awareness. By facing your imperfections head-on, you can create stronger, more compassionate relationships with your loved ones and yourself.

27. Why Men’s Work Actually Works, and Exploring the Masculine-Feminine Relationship Dynamic

Fri, 13 Sep 2024 01:00:00 GMT

In this episode, my guest Luke Adler and I explore the transformative journey of men's work, delving into the unconscious parts of ourselves that influence our behavior and relationships. Our focus is on fostering deep personal growth, emotional intelligence, and healthier relationships for men. We often get asked: Why do a men’s retreat? Isn’t one-on-one therapy more effective? Surprisingly, no! The power of a men’s group is that it provides crucial support, fosters vulnerability, and promotes personal development. We identify common barriers to intimacy and offer insights into overcoming these challenges to achieve deeper connections. In this podcast episode, we compare the benefits of group work in men's circles with traditional one-on-one therapy. Group work offers a sense of community and shared experiences that can be more impactful than individual therapy sessions. Join us this summer for a transformational Men’s Work Retreat - where you will receive: Practical Tools to help you become a more compassionate, curious and courageous partner Presence and mindfulness practices to deepen and stabilize your relationship Methods to remain in your integrity even when things in life get difficult Impactful new ways to develop resilience to life’s inevitable ups and downs Relational leadership and communication skills

Riding Emotional Waves: Unveiling the World of Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment

Sat, 02 Dec 2023 12:00:00 GMT

Domains of Self

Fri, 19 May 2023 09:00:00 GMT

On taking care of all parts of yourself so you can show up fully in your relationship. Almost every man we encounter in our work has been conditioned to be somewhat dissociative in relationships. They are not fully engaged with themselves; in fact, there are entire aspects of their beings that they are not in touch with, that they were never taught how to be in touch with. This ends up being a major touch point for communication breakdown in relationships, because these men aren’t able to embody the balance of self-care and care of others that their family unit requires. In this episode of The Crux, Ryan and Slade dive into the polarization of the self that occurs for many men as they enter into long-term relationships, and discuss tactics for how to gain greater understanding around the domains of self that have been closed off or somehow inaccessible for so long. Listen to the full episode to learn more! SHOW NOTES: 00:00 – Embodying the balance of self care and the care of others 02:14 – Men haven’t been taught how to access and develop all parts of their beings 03:50 – The polarization of the self into different domains 07:20 – Engaging with the physical domain of self-care 11:16 – Your own physical dysregulation trickles down to your relationship and family 12:27 – Practices for tending to your nervous system 14:44 – Developing diverse relationships and emotional outlets 17:43 – Being intentional about your self-cultivation

Finding the True Masculine

Mon, 01 May 2023 16:00:00 GMT

On the heels of facilitating a men’s intensive weekend in Ashland, Oregon, Ryan and Slade wanted to delve deeper into the benefits of this kind of concentrated, immersive men’s work. As adults, most men don’t realize the degree to which wounded younger parts of them (think the inner child) are impacting their ability to sustain intimate relationships. This inner boy whose needs were not properly met in childhood is getting triggered in both small and great ways every day, setting off a whole array of behaviors that negatively impact his relationships. These behaviors, like aggression, defensiveness, mansplaining, tuning out, ‘fixing their partners’—the list goes on and on—are all forms of protection for the boy underneath who is hurting, alone, and generally feeling like he is ‘not enough’. So as long as this boy is neglected and buried underneath other protective parts, the man will never step into his vulnerable masculine self and find the intimacy that he longs for. Men’s work is a safe and powerful container within which to unpack the past traumas held inside our inner boys, deconstruct them, and discover what we must heal in order to grow into our true masculinity. When you can open yourself up to this inner emotional work, you open the door to improving the dynamics at home. When your partner no longer has to take on the parenting role for your inner child, you can connect much more deeply. Listen to the full episode to learn more. SHOW NOTES: 00:00 – Ryan and Slade share about a men’s intensive program they recently facilitated, and the experiences they witnessed there 04:23 – The beauty and sacredness of the courage to be vulnerable 05:51 – Each man has a unique, core piece of work they must accomplish 07:22 – Creating new reference points: The impact of men’s work on our relationships 10:33 – Misconceptions around what it means to be “truly masculine” 13:20 – Using men’s work to deconstruct our masculine facades 16:20 – Good men’s work containers are compassionate and flexible, but strong 18:06 – The importance of seeing your inner work and your experiences reflected around you in society

Silver Bullet Experiences

Thu, 27 Apr 2023 21:00:00 GMT

On maintaining a growthful state of consciousness in your daily life. Men often cease to emphasize the day-in and day-out practices that will actually make a difference, because they’re waiting for a big experience or breakthrough of some kind that will ignite them and motivate them. We want to bring a more critical eye and a constructive approach to how to integrate those moments, prepare for them, and do the work on a day-to-day basis. There’s a sobriety in realizing that no matter how far these experiences and journeys take you, they’ll always drop you back off where you were. You have to come back into your own life and continue doing that work, showing up day after day in the hard moments, to practice something different. Listen to hear more from Ryan and Slade on how you can stop waiting for silver bullet experiences and instead start integrating practices for emotional growth into your daily life. SHOW NOTES: 00:00 – Why just waiting for a “silver bullet experience” to show up isn’t good enough long-term 02:40 – The benefits of men’s groups for continuous support and accountability 06:19 – Taking leadership to create intentionality in your relationship 08:08 – On seeking professional support when needed to improve integration & awareness 08:54 – You can develop a lot of source material through self-guided individual work 11:55 – Becoming aware of your own resistance to growth

Finding Your Partner’s Antidote

Thu, 27 Apr 2023 18:00:00 GMT

On mitigating each other’s trauma responses in conflict. Periodically, in coupledom, you’re going to do something—or not do something—that elicits a threat response or inflammatory reaction of some kind in your partner. The problem is, most people don't know how to effectively handle that response. At that moment, it can seem like a gross overreaction. But you may start to realize that this same response comes up over and over again, and it is actually due to a mixture of unique experiences, traumas, and needs that your partner has faced at various points in their life. In working with hundreds of couples over the years, we’ve seen that most people have individual “antidotes”, certain approaches to conflict that can help soothe their frustrations and emotional responses better than others. In this episode of The Crux, Ryan and Slade dive into the different types of antidotes people can have, and how to effectively implement them to ensure greater empathic communication between both parties. Listen to learn more! SHOW NOTES: 00:00 – Ryan and Slade introduce what a partner’s “antidote” means 02:26 – Why our emotional responses are disproportionate to our partner’s feedback 05:06 – Do you want to be right or do you want to be connected? 05:41 – Conceptualizing your partner’s trauma wounds 09:00 – You have to know your partner’s history to understand where they’re coming from 11:30 – Methods of delivering the antidote 15:45 – The importance of slowing down to ensure authenticity 20:08 – Conscious empathic communication requires trial and error 21:30 – Steps to implement this in your own relationship

The Pitfalls of Yin and Yang

Mon, 20 Mar 2023 09:00:00 GMT

On consciously challenging your relationship perspective to avoid reinforcing blind spots. – In our work, we’ve realized that most men tend to fall into one of two general camps: they are either doing-oriented or being-oriented. Those who are more doing-oriented tend to be hyper-focused, solution-oriented, and constantly moving forward. They get things done, and are good at juggling multiple problems while working towards a solution for each. In contrast, being-oriented men tend to need more alone time for introspection, meditation, and thoughtfulness in order to connect with what is being asked of them, and to recognize when things need to be done. In reality, we all have a bit of each type in us, but most of us do tend to fall more to one side than the other. And one of the common problems that we hear men talking about is, they find it hard to connect with their partners about their relationship needs and expectations when their current orientation feels misaligned with that of their partner. In this episode of The Crux, Ryan and Slade dive into the ways of being and orienting in the world that can either help you connect in relationships the way you want or that take you out of balance, and offer solutions to those struggling with achieving a more doing-focused orientation. Listen to learn more! SHOW NOTES: 00:00 – On the difference between doing-oriented and being-oriented men 03:54 – Determining which camp you typically occupy, and how it impacts your relationship 05:50 – Ryan shares a personal story about learning to be more conscious of the different orientations experienced in his relationship 10:14 – On letting go of learned stories and expectations 11:21 – Slade shares about his experience learning to de-prioritize his own fixations in relationship 15:22 – The importance of consciously challenging our “versions” of our relationships 18:07 – What men can do at home to start challenging their habits 21:30 – Specific advice for being-oriented men 24:24 – Using boundary-specific work to honor your needs while addressing the root cause of your avoidance

Deeper Listening & Presence

Fri, 17 Mar 2023 06:00:00 GMT

A discussion on the process of building trust with our partners after a commitment to change. – Most men have been given behavioral feedback from their partners at some point. And when we are able to recognize this feedback as something that necessitates a change on our part, no matter how much we also believe in the need for that change, the implementation can be an incredibly vulnerable process. Another problem arises when men try to make a change in their behavior, but they don’t get the result they want instantly from their partner.They think that they failed, or they weren’t good enough, or they didn’t try hard enough, and their instinctive reaction is to give up. But it’s important to understand that when our partners provide us feedback that has to do with them feeling neglected, or feeling that we haven’t been pulling our weight, their hurt isn’t going to be easily repaired. Your partner won’t turn on a dime just because you try once; they’ve organized their defenses and they need time to see you show up again and again before they can begin to relax and believe in the consistency of your presence. It requires a lot of stamina and fortitude on your part to bear your partner’s feelings, hear them, and let them be healed. It’s hard, yes, but if every man gave up at this point, it would cause a lot of viable relationships to fail unnecessarily. So what do you as a man do to ensure you are able to show up consistently for them? Listen to learn more! SHOW NOTES: 00:25 – Losing traction: The patterns of defensiveness men regress into when their attempts aren’t successful 03:22 – Slade discusses the healing sequence that partners must follow in response to negative feedback 06:15 – Understanding and mitigating the emotions that arise when you don’t get the response you think you deserve 08:40 – How to set up the conversation in a thoughtful, distraction-free way 10:35 – Sticking with your commitment to new behaviors during the trust-building period 13:44 – Practice self-compassion: Emotionally preparing yourself for the long-haul 14:54 – Work together to break the conversation into manageable pieces 17:33 – Your new behaviors aren’t just about you: Both partners are learning and growing

Overcoming Complacency in Relationships

Thu, 16 Feb 2023 10:00:00 GMT

As we phase out of childhood and into the first phases of being an adult, most men need to undergo a lot of personal growth. There is a need for a personal deepening, a better understanding of self, that will help us form healthier communication patterns and vastly improve our ability to engage in long-term intimate relationships. This work is an ongoing process, and most men have received feedback at some point or another from their partners, families, and friends about deeply-entrenched habits that they need to change. And yet, men don’t like to change. As a relationship goes on, the need to impress or please our partner falls onto the back burner. We enter a state of sleepiness, where we don't ever let ourselves feel a raw sense of urgency around the things our partners need us to work on. It’s not necessarily that they don’t want to change, or that they don’t understand their partner’s desires. Rather, it’s that there’s no internal drive for men to change themselves. Instead, men fall easily into a state of complacency in relationship. In this episode of The Crux, Ryan and Slade discuss why we find ourselves in this state, and how you can work to restore vitality to your relationship by overcoming your natural tendency towards complacency. Listen to learn more! SHOW NOTES: 00:27 – Slade introduces the problem of complacency faced by men in relationships 01:55 – Defeatism: Many men are in denial about their lack of relationship contribution 03:46 – The methods and vices men use to stay in complacency 05:26 – Tending our own fires: How to start moving from complacency to inquiry 07:30 – Our habitual distractions are trying to protect our vulnerability 10:01 – We dampen our life force through too much self-soothing 12:41 – Recognizing vs. unpacking the problem: what can we do today? 14:43 – Maintaining our proactivity takes conscious effort from two perspectives 16:36 – Ryan shares a personal story about handling complacency in his relationship 20:33 – Embrace the journey as a process of lifelong inquiry

Communicating What You Want

Sat, 04 Feb 2023 10:00:00 GMT

Many men struggle with opening up difficult conversations with their intimate partners because they fear the inherent vulnerability of that act. To communicate a need is to risk receiving judgment or negativity from our partner in response, and often, it’s easier to ignore the need entirely so as not to have to ask our partner for things. But giving in to this fear of vulnerability perpetuates avoidance of the things that need to be discussed in relationships. Ignoring our own needs in favor of keeping the relationship smooth only leads to a build up of resentment and anger, and in the worst case, an eventual dissolution of the relationship bond. Join Ryan and Slade as they discuss the types of emotional blocks men face when trying to open a conversation around their needs, and how they can be overcome. SHOW NOTES 00:27 – Slade discusses the challenge associated with opening a “needs” conversation 02:20 – Ryan shares a personal story about overcoming his avoidant communication patterns 06:30 – How the fear of vulnerability perpetuates avoidance 09:30 – Providing context when either requesting time or responding to your partner’s request for time 12:53 – The importance of collaboration when bringing forth your needs 16:01 – Ryan shares an example of how providing context helped resolve a needs discussion without negativity 18:40 – Ryan and Slade provide some tools for applying a collaborative approach in your own relationship

Forthcomingness

Wed, 04 Jan 2023 10:00:00 GMT

On conquering the fear of being known. Men often have a hard time opening up to their partners about what’s happening for them internally. Anxiety, fear, and other similar emotions are scary for men to face alone, let alone in the presence of others. So, too often, they decide to bottle these feelings up instead of trusting their partner to see them and love them in all their vulnerability. Although it may be uncomfortable to share deeply and openly with your partner, a much larger pain is incurred by withholding emotional pain and hardship. Men only end up hurting themselves and their relationships by choosing not to be forthcoming with their life partners. Listen to this episode of The Crux to hear Ryan and Slade discuss the importance of intentional, actionable forthcomingness in relationships, and some practices you can start applying to your own life. SHOW NOTES: 00:51 – Ryan and Slade introduce the concept of forthcomingness as a daily practice 01:33 – Slade discusses how being physically present with your partner isn’t enough 03:58 – Men aren’t conscious of how their tendency to withhold and withdraw affects their partners 05:19 – The shadow-parent: Projecting old parental wounds onto our partners 07:59 – Recognizing a lack of forthcomingness can open the door to healing 09:02 – Reconditioning your daily practices to invite honesty and openness 10:39 – Ryan shares a personal story about engaging in forthcomingness with his partner 15:21 – Slade discusses the importance of intention and awareness in forthcomingness 19:38 – Intimacy falters when one partner isn’t open to being known

Mommy Issues

Wed, 04 Jan 2023 10:00:00 GMT

Most men have some form of emotional wounding, sustained in childhood, that is carried with them over the years and affects their adult relationships in different ways. In many cases, these woundings come from a mother’s best attempts to meet a child’s ever-changing needs. It is a fact that sometimes parents fail, and when they do, it can cause feelings of anger and resentment to arise within the child who doesn’t understand why their needs haven’t been met in the way they want. In this episode of The Crux, Ryan and Slade discuss how their communication skills have evolved as they’ve worked through their parental wounds, and the effects this work has had on their marriages. Listen to learn more! SHOW NOTES: 00:00 – Ryan discusses how failures of attunement from childhood follow us to our adult relationships 03:20 – Slade discusses how we can’t get the version of our partner we want if we project caregiver responsibilities on them 04:51 – Ryan and Slade discuss the resentment that arises from putting implicit expectations on your partner 07:08 – Slade shares an example of how experiences with his parents influence his present-day communication with his wife 11:22 – Ryan shares a story about how his wild streak as an adult comes from tensions with his mother 14:12 – Ryan and Slade discuss creating space in the relationship to avoid projecting responsibility on one’s partner 15:49 – Slade talks about the importance of consistently showing up for the relationship bond over time

Talking About Sex

Wed, 04 Jan 2023 10:00:00 GMT

On creating a conversation around intimacy needs in relationships. As men, we were never taught how to navigate the complexities of a healthy, successful sex life in long-term relationships. It’s something we are often left to figure out ourselves, with no real guidance around how to understand, respect, and prioritize both our own and our partner’s individual needs. As a result, many men feel unable to fully express their desires and needs around sex, which leads to communication breakdown and decreased intimacy over time. In this episode of The Crux, join Ryan and Slade as they discuss the do’s and don’ts of approaching a conversation around intimacy needs with your partner. SHOW NOTES: 00:00 – Why the conversation around intimacy is difficult to bring up in relationships 03:41 – A lack of sexual education in adolescence requires many men to play catch-up as adults 05:40 – Ryan discusses the importance of taking inventory of all your partner’s context clues before engaging in a conversation around your needs 07:30 – Helping your partner feel connected to you beyond the scope of physical intimacy 08:37 – Ryan and Slade introduce the key pieces of setting up a conversation around intimacy 10:36 – On vulnerably receiving your partner’s feedback without getting defensive 13:21 – Letting intimacy build: Stop focusing on the “now” 16:49 – Spontaneity arises when women feel seen and acknowledged 20:13 – Setting the scene to communicate your needs requires understanding theirs first 22:13 – Own your contributions to the blocks that exist around your intimacy

Lessons from Fatherhood

Fri, 30 Dec 2022 10:00:00 GMT

On the ups and downs of navigating parenthood as a partnership. Fatherhood is different for every man, and parenting is different for every couple, but there are some common threads often experienced by most fathers. Hearing other parents’ perspectives and experiences can help fathers feel less alone on their own parenting and relationship journeys. So with this in mind, in this episode of The Crux, Ryan and Slade take turns speaking about their experiences with fatherhood, and how their perspectives have grown and evolved with time. We hope you enjoy! SHOW NOTES: 01:04 – Ryan talks about feeling disoriented when beginning his fatherhood journey 03:30 – Ryan discusses how his relationship suffered from a disconnect during parenting 07:04 – Ryan and Slade discuss the egoic perspective fathers often experience in parenting 09:30 – Ryan and Slade discuss the exterior validation many fathers crave, and how to handle not receiving it 13:41 – Slade discusses the different versions of himself he sees in day-to-day parenting moments 19:13 – Slade talks about what he’s learned from moments of lost control or frustration 23:00 – Ryan talks about how different being a family is from any other aspect of adult life

Pain and Meditation

Sun, 06 Nov 2022 10:00:00 GMT

At the core of a lot of problems men have in relationships is that we don’t know how to properly deal with our pain. When we can’t actively relate to our pain, we shut ourselves off from emotional presence and withdraw into ourselves to try to cope with the pain rather than attend to it in a healthy way. As a result, we become inaccessible to our partners. Now, we all live with a certain amount of pain every day, some more than others–we all have various amounts of physical and emotional distress accompanying us within our bodies. And it’s natural to want to avoid feeling this pain, by either numbing ourselves or by compartmentalizing our feelings so that they don’t build up in the same way. In this episode of The Crux, Ryan and Slade dive into the topic of chronic pain to provide men with tactics for opening themselves up to healthy emotional engagement with their partners rather than shutting them out. Listen to learn more! SHOW NOTES: 00:00 – Pain is a natural part of life for men 02:16 – The first noble truth of Buddhism: Acknowledging the existence of our pain 03:00 – Meditation allows men to purposely visit the pain points they typically erase or ignore 04:44 – Letting the raw sensations from meditation bring you into presence 05:47 – Engaging in real presence with your partner is what makes the relationship viable 07:07 – Filling the space to avoid fixating on negative feelings 08:09 – How meditation can become uncomfortable for men 10:12 – Taking inventory: Start noticing your distractions 11:36 – Test yourself: How long can you stay with a feeling of hurt, sadness, or negativity? 12:06 – Connect: Share what you’ve discovered with your partner 12:39 – Your life and happiness are in your hands 14:07 – Slow down to go fast

"Good Guy" Syndrome

Thu, 03 Nov 2022 09:00:00 GMT

A common struggle among many men these days is the feeling of being inadequate in our partner’s eyes. We work hard for our families, we show up for our kids, and we focus on being a present partner and husband. But no matter how much effort we put in around the house or for our partners, it never feels like enough. We feel disconnected from our partners, we are constantly feeling negative feedback from them, and we feel like we just can’t win. This is actually a significant reason why many men are attracted to men’s work. They know they are good men, and their hearts are in the right place, but they don’t understand why that isn’t enough for their partners. Listen to this episode of The Crux to hear Ryan and Slade discuss the symptoms of “Good Guy” Syndrome, and how you can break out of this cycle to begin engaging more honestly and openly with your partner about each other’s needs. SHOW NOTES: 00:00 – The Good Guy Syndrome: It’s all about “me”, not “we” 02:46 – We think we deserve recognition for things that don’t actually fulfill our partner’s needs 04:15 – You’ll never be a perfect partner 05:07 – Your efforts inhibit real connection when they come from the “Good Guy” perspective 08:22 – “Good Guy” symptoms often shows up when men get stuck in the friend zone 09:37 – Showing up in service vs. showing up in connection 10:24 – Breaking the “Good Guy” cycle by slowing down and inviting curiosity 13:01 – Take charge and be directorial in how you respond to feedback 15:44 – Falling into avoidant tendencies amplifies negative emotions and strengthens feelings of inadequacy 16:36 – Close the loop: Take space to unpack the situation, but following up later is required

Understanding Attraction

Sat, 08 Oct 2022 21:21:00 GMT

Something almost everyone has experienced at some point while in a relationship is the feeling of being attracted to someone other than your partner. This experience affects both men and women equally, and it is completely normal. In fact, attraction is ours first–it should be considered sacred & personal, and not something that has to be shared. Despite this, many people feel compelled to bring their attractions up to their partners, because not to do so feels dishonest. The problem is, many men are not sure when to bring up this topic, or how to do so with tact and compassion for their partner. In this episode of the Crux, Ryan and Slade dive into the subject of physical attraction and how it can affect our relationships–in both positive and negative ways. Listen to learn more. SHOW NOTES: 00:46 – The Self-to-Self conversation: Understanding your feelings first 03:58 – Start with internal inquiry and validation 07:39 – The Self-to-Other conversation: What action will best serve our relationship’s bond? 10:07 – Surface-level attraction can inspire deeper exploration in relationships 14:26 – Giving yourself permission to falter and fail 15:16 – Have tact and compassion: Prioritizing the relationship bond 17:50 – Put yourself in their shoes: Doing your own work first 18:34 – Engaging with your partner on a humorous level 20:16 – Slowing it down and looking ahead vs. Taking risks and plunging in

Helping Your Partner When They're Triggered

Wed, 05 Oct 2022 15:15:00 GMT

When your partner feels triggered, you may find their emotional outbursts cause you to feel triggered, too. This is a common issue in relationships, and it can become a difficult cycle wherein your frustrations only serve to frustrate your partner further, and vice versa. A common question we get from men is, how can I help my partner in those moments, without succumbing to my own frustrations and emotional triggers? How can I put my own needs aside in the moment, and instead help them work through what’s bothering them? In this episode of The Crux, Ryan and Slade discuss some tools you can use to help individually turn the tide of these emotionally-charged moments, shifting them towards mutual understanding and connection rather than towards resentment. SHOW NOTES: 00:00 – Breaking the “Trigger Cycle”: Choosing not to fight fire with fire 02:30 – The natural tendency towards defense 04:18 – Your generosity comes back around: Finding a “Total Maturity Moment” 06:42 – Step 1: Noticing patterns and deciding not to act 08:31 – Step 2: Making space for the most mature version of you to come forth 10:18 – Step 3: Showing your partner that you are a friend 12:53 – Ryan shares a personal story about employing this method in his own relationship 16:01 – Slade shares his perspective on his own relationship 17:09 – Learning comes with experimentation: Slow down and be available 19:23 – Relationship work drives your own growth

Managing Your Own Reactivity

Sun, 25 Sep 2022 09:00:00 GMT

It would be nice if our partner were able to give us feedback in a vulnerable, compassionate way, but it is unrealistic to expect this 100% of the time. This being said, there are things we can do, as the receiver of the frustrated feedback, to help stop the cycle of retraumatization that we perpetuate each time we trigger each other. And these can be done regardless of whether or not our partner is able to deliver their feedback in a nice way. Listen as Ryan and Slade discuss a practice that is essential to creating long-term viable relationships: the practice of hearing what your partner is saying in their frustration, anger, or shortness, and of slowing down enough to answer, is there some truth in what they’re saying? SHOW NOTES: 03:00 – Slade describes a recent experience receiving feedback at home. 07:49 – Managing one’s own reactivity: Own what you can own. 11:40 – Acknowledging your partner’s feelings regardless of your own. 13:02 – Creating a cycle of generosity. 14:57 – The critical importance of authenticity in apologies. 17:13 – Apologizing without blame helps your partner soften, too. 18:41 – Own your part without waiting for, or expecting, them to join in. 20:11 – FTT: Finding The Truth. 21:07 – Make failure a comfortable word. 21:50 – Acknowledging and accepting all the voices within you. 23:40 – Vocalizing what you heard your partner say. 28:10 – Prepare for the fact that you might not get the response you want. 29:41 – This process is not one-size-fits-all.

What "Crux" Means to Us

Fri, 23 Sep 2022 09:00:00 GMT

If you’ve listened to the last couple of podcast episodes, you may be wondering, what exactly is a “Crux” in this context? How does this relate to my relationship and my interactions with my partner? Cruxes are the obstacles, issues, and stumbling blocks that come up in relationships, usually to do with our emotional perceptions of ourselves and our weaknesses. Some cruxes seem larger or more significant than others, but regardless of size, they are important to recognize and move through as a team in order to preserve the health of the relationship long-term. Listen to hear Ryan and Slade discuss some of the common cruxes faced by men, and how you can begin to tackle them. SHOW NOTES: 00:00 – The Crux is the Heart of the matter 01:30 – Defining the essential themes of relationship issues 02:28 – Common cruxes for men: Feeling “enough” 05:21 – Am I lovable? Do I belong? 06:33 – Changing behavior is difficult if you’re not in conversation around the causes 07:15 – Hear Ryan share about his own primary crux 10:47 – Hear Slade also share his personal experience 14:07 – Dance with the one that brung you 15:31 – Rinse and repeat: Practices you can do at home 18:30 – Tracking your progress through community

An Introduction

Thu, 15 Sep 2022 09:00:00 GMT

Welcome to The Crux! We are Ryan Ginn and Slade Machamer, and in our new podcast we will be tackling the most important questions around men's experiences in relationships, with the goal of giving men real, concrete steps to help them move out of frustrating places and towards feeling more confident in their relationships. We are so glad to have you along for the ride!

Disassociation, Dismissiveness and Distance: The Inability to be Present in Men

Thu, 15 Sep 2022 09:00:00 GMT

One of the chronic complaints many guys get from their partners is a lack of presence. This lack of presence typically shows up in the form of distance, being “checked out”, aloofness, or similar feelings, but the truth is, it’s actually the result of not being able to swim both in and out of the emotional plane. For many men, emotions are a foreign language, and when this is the case, it's difficult to create space for the emotions of others. Getting external support often allows you to develop greater self-intimacy and awareness that can be brought back to your partner. Listen in as Ryan & Slade cover why it’s so difficult to stay present to all that is happening as a man, and how to overcome this to create more depth, intimacy and connection in your relationship. SHOW NOTES: 00:00 – Ryan and Slade discuss the natural defenses that arise when faced with our own impact on our partners 03:51 – Hear Ryan’s personal story about his capacity to be present in relationships, and how it impacted his partner in the past. 07:49 – How our inner selves try to stop undesired experiences, but often end up making the situation worse. 09:11 – The importance of slowing down and taking the time to create presence 10:30 – You don’t have to do it alone: How the emotional work of men’s groups and therapy helps men rewire their reflexive patterns 11:35 – Practices you can try today to begin unraveling your presence in yourself and your relationship